Wow, I never thought I would write you a letter while you are in heaven, let alone on a site that anyone can read. People are really going to think I am crazy after they read this. It will also make them sad, which is not my intention at all. But, having to write to the perfect dream reader, could really only be you. I have so much to say, that I never said to you before you died and I partly believe that to be true, because I never “felt” you until you went to heaven and became another Angel watching over me. I can only imagine you looking down and shaking your head at many things I still do, that you dis-liked so much because I never opened my eyes to the world and people and my own senses. Though, I do now, however, I still do not listen to myself… Inept, I believe that is called, “Knowing what to do, but never doing it”.
You always had a sense of the world, of people. The good, bad and ugly. You could feel things when they were not right. I swear that you left that sense with me…But you always said I had it and just never listened. The days before your death, I was angry at you, which you know. But the night you died, when you sent me that text “my new word of the day “shitidiot”, means a shit head who is an idiot”….I almost did not reply to you, all of out anger. I am So very happy now that I did. I told you I loved you that night, which also took about 20 minutes to reply.
It is strange how the universe brings so many things together when change is about to happen. I had told the boys that I would be there that night and either crawl in bed with them or grab them and go home. However, in my own selfishness, I never went home that night. Instead, I was visiting with a friend and told you I was tired. You said to stay and not drive and that you were planning on having all the kids that weekend. Another strange event, I know the other grandchildren wanted to spend the night with you this night, and for the first time ever, their Dad has said no.
Brimli had told me that you had seen Colton on your roof that night, waving at you. I know you always said things like this and I always thought you were crazy or making it up. But looking back, I believe he was there. He was there letting you know that you would see him soon.
For the longest time, Brimli blamed himself, which I am sure I do not need to tell you this stuff. You are with us everyday. Logan has always said he knows it was not his fault that they could not save you. Papa, is the same. I tried to help him. But I think he will die a lonely drunk holding regret that he did something wrong.
It is really sad what death brings. Pain, anger, grief, afraid of moving forward. Although I believe I have made it through, around, with…however we want to word it, with a strong sense of knowing, is only because I faced the worst loss any mother should have to face when I lost the boys. But you were my rock Mom, I never told you but I know you knew that. Without you, the kids would not have had a Christmas that first year, birthday parties, Easter, a mothers day…I was a zombie and you were the prison keeper for my life, trying to hold it together for me was what you did. I still wonder, often, how am I ever going to live without my boys or you, yet it has been over a year for all three of you and I am still going. Stronger now than I was before. Which I know you left that up to me. To pick myself up and move on. I did, I am and I will.
Everytime I hear this song, I have to make a double take because I think it is you, You always sang this and sounded just like her.
I love you forever and always!