I am not quite using this blog how I originally intended, and I suppose that’s fine. With the rename of LifeByKelly, I imagined it would take on a life of its own. Maybe later down the road, I can create a one niche blog, but for now, since I’m recreating my life, after 40, I think it’s fair to let it do its thing…right?
So much of this process is accepting that we are over 40 and that’s not a bad thing. I am much wiser than I was in younger years. Haha, I never believed that jibe about “with age comes wisdom”, but it truly does.
As I sit here, in the bath as we speak, fighting of a panic attack and anxiety, which I can only assume is coming on from the no smoking, I am deathly afraid something is seriously wrong with me.
Yes, I have panic disorder, anxiety, and PTSD, which was my ultimate friend for quitting smoking, and yet my worse enemy through this.
I read a post today about Mental Health awareness, it touched me because I am afraid to talk about it publicly. So I suppose I can do it here! But it’s still terrifying that someone I know will see this post and judge me for it. But the truth is, I shouldn’t care so much! Which brings me to my next point in this nonsense!
Why do I give two shits what anyone thinks of me? Ultimately the only ones who matter are my kids, right? Grandkids, yep! Others though? No and why should I? But I do. Which brings me to another point.
I was taught to care what people think of my house, of my car, of my clothes, of my looks….everything expect ME. Between growing up with my Mom who was poor and did not live in a clean home, to being thrown to a man I barely knew who was my Dad, whom had money, a clean house, nice clothes and god forbid I got dirt on them or my expensive shoes. So yes, I was taught this. Although I try very hard to not let those young impressionable years co trip my life, they do.
It comes in stages, like that of grief. There are so many hidden triggers. You never know if looking up or looking down triggered you. Or if some man just wanting sex from you, triggered you to not feeling “good enough”.
But we are good enough! I don’t do drugs, I won’t lie, I do not steal, I do not cheat. I am a happy person, regardless of all the shit I have been through. Yes, I have my bad days. Who doesn’t? But why should I feel like I am being judged for it?
Here’s to recreating my life after 40 and thank you for following my journey!